used to be my hair. I mean, look at it, it was gorgeous. It still is now, it’s just not that long but I still get compliments. I get complimented on my eye makeup a lot… My standard is some purple eyeliner and black mascara, purple works really well with my brown eyes. but honestly, one thing I notice people tell me all the time is that I smell good. And let me tell you, there are worse things than being noticed for smelling good all the time!
This question doesn’t interest me.
My generation is nuts. I mean, for the most part, I think they mean well..
I’m all about having a cause. I mean, if I had to associate myself with a cause, I think everyone knows that it would be suicide awareness. That’s my thing. So I guess at the risk of sounding like a hypocrite, I’m SO sick of the young people attaching themselves to these ‘movements’ that are supposed to change the world… I guess I’m just not convinced that these kids even know what the hell they’re talking about. I mean, I hear about half this crap kids my age are associating themselves with, and I can’t help but think that if they actually knew what they were ‘standing’ for, they wouldn’t actually stand for it. I feel like a jerk for calling other people’s causes insignificant or silly, I know that knowing who you are and standing up for what you believe in is a battle in itself and that I am no one to judge others for what they deem important… I don’t know, I’m just over everyone trying to ‘stick it to the man’ and blaming everyone else in the damn world for their misfortune.
I’m 24 years old, no job, no insurance, crap car, wah wah wah. I’m not off blaming the government or all the millionaires in the world, I blame MYSELF. Now there’s something you don’t see too often! Maybe if I had seen college in an academic light instead of a party-ridden haze I would have gotten more credits out of it, maybe when I went back for the second year I should have stuck it out instead of giving into my parent’s suggestion that I take a semester off to regroup after the emotional beatdown that was August 2007. Maybe I shouldn’t have given up on community college just because they wanted me to pay for and take three remedial math classes that wouldn’t count towards my degree before I could even take the ones that WOULD count. Maybe I should have enlisted in the Navy back when I said I was going to. Maybe I should have done a lot of things but let me tell you what I CAN do, and that’s recognize that each and every one of those things I did or didn’t do is because I decided that’s the way I wanted it. Sure, I may be kicking myself in the ass for it now. Seeing the success of my peers around me is suffocating with jealousy, but I have no one to blame for that than myself. On the other hand, I HAVE LIVED. I may not be a chemical engineer in Dubai or teaching schoolchildren in China, or an officer in the Navy or the Army while going to medical school which is, by the way, paid for, like the other 24 year olds I know… But I have raised a kick ass amount of money for a cause I believe in.. And I’ve gotten to drop everything I ever knew and move halfway across the country for love. I’ve become really good friends with my parents. I took part in an unforgettable internship with a recording studio. I’ve taken risks, and I’ve built some very valuable connections in my years since my high school graduation, and I know more about myself now than I ever thought I could know back when I was 18.
I went a little off track there, but my point was that the government had nothing to do with what some may label my unfortunate situation, the whole thing has been a product of my doing. It was my journey from the start, and to blame or credit it’s path and/or outcome would be nothing short of irresponsible and trite. This is my life, and I get to take the blame and the credit, no one else. I don’t blame the government, I don’t blame the millionaires of the world, their millions have nothing to do with my life, they are not taking anything away from me. I am so sick and tired of everyone wanting to take everything from the people that have worked their own ways to the top and have given themselves a life they’re proud of just so those less fortunate can feel more so. I’m not asking for any handouts because I am more than capable of making my OWN millions. And you can bet your ass that when I do, I’m not going to want to give any of it up to someone who wasn’t willing to do the work to earn their own.
I’m Aunt Keilei yo.
My friends are crazy.
Because life is shitty man. When you’re 5 and you tear your knee open on the playground, it feels like the end of the world. When you’re 6 and your best friend moves away, it feels like the end of the world. When you’re 8 and you find out your family dog has gone missing, it feels like the end of the world. When you’re 11 and you have to switch schools. When you’re 14 and you ‘become a woman.’ When you’re 15 and your boyfriend breaks up with you. When you’re 18 and your best friend goes for your ex. When you’re 19 and you find out your boyfriend is a cocaine addict. When you’re 19 and your nephew’s father commits suicide. When you’re 19 and you drop out of college… I mean, shit has been happening to people since the beginning of time, and we’ve been okay.
See the tricky part about it is, it’s not ACTUALLY the end of the world. That’s the thing, the universe isn’t going to deal you anything that you can’t handle. No matter how old you are, things are going to keep happening, and it’s going to feel like the worst thing that has ever happened in your life. And I’m not trying to discount the bad things that have happened in your life, the bad shit in mine was fucking bad. Nothing I couldn’t handle though, and that’s really all I’m trying to say. The worst thing in the world when I was 6 was my best friend moving away and at 19 was when my nephew’s father committed suicide, two awful things but on insanely opposite ends of the scale, you know? And the pain of some of these things never really goes away 100%, I mean… David’s death is something that resonates with me OFTEN, but I’m not in nearly as bad of a place as I was 4 years ago. We get up, we dust ourselves off and we keep fucking going, because if we didn’t… What the hell else would we do?
I mean. Out of my almost 9,000 days so far on this planet, not once has anything gotten the best of me. They’ve come close, but if you can try to put it in perspective then that is less than 10 situations that I even used as examples. That is like a week work of notable bad shit that has happened in my 24 years of existence. And while many of these things were life altering and soul changing, in the grand scheme of attitudes and life outlooks, those days were nothing. Because I also have the day my best friends dared me to glue a fake nail to my nose as a dare at a birthday party in grade school.. and when we GOT our dog.. When my dad would come home from his deployments. When my sister stuck up for me to her friends. When I got to be the Voice of Tallwood and do the announcements in school. When I won the science fair in the fourth grade. When I started playing the cello. When we got our other dog. When I got my first kiss. When I went to Hawaii. When I went to Ireland. When I went to Canada. When I went to Niagara Falls. When I learned how to drive. When I made Madrigals. When I first fell in love. My first time. When I went to Prom. When I graduated High School. When I went away to college. When my nephew was born. When my sister got married. Falling BACK in love. Moving to Louisiana for love. Getting to come home…
There are so many more good things that happen to us.. The bad stick out, but the good is what gives us that drive to continue every day, and that’s exactly what we have to do.
Bad shit happens. But it’s not the end of the world.
Via www.horoscope.com for Friday, February 3rd.
“Your extremely overpowering emotions are apt to scare people off today, Libra, especially when it comes to matters involving intimate relationships. Unless your desired result is to convince everyone around you that you’re completely insane, it may be best for you to back off. Let someone else take the lead today and you may be quite pleasantly surprised at where you and this special person end up.”
Well… I DO have extremely overpowering emotions. Like Kristen Bell said on Ellen the other day, “First thing you should know about me… If I’m not between a 3 and a 7 on the emotional scale, I’m crying. [Crying] if I’m too sad, crying if I’m too happy.” Me? Same thing. Everything makes me cry, I am a certified crybaby. It’s definitely right about me being emotional today too, that’s spot on. I won’t go into it here, it’s a private family matter, but today is a big emotional day, and who knows.. Maybe I WILL end up scaring someone off today. That of course is not completely unusual on a normal day either though, so that’s just an every day chance. It says matters involving intimate relationships, but I would have to say that it’s not the intimate relationship that everyone would jump to. The emotional matters do involve someone especially close to me though, and I can see how someone may or may not perceive me as insane, so I apologize about that I really do. I would have to say that today’s horoscope knows what it’s talking about. Sorry y’all, that’s all you get out of me today.
I’ve pretty much elaborated as much as I feel like elaborating on the two people that qualify the most for this role. There’s the ex-boyfriend and the ex-friend who are much better as exes than they ever were at their previous roles in my life. I haven’t spoken to her since last March, I think it was.. And I haven’t spoken to him since 2009… And it has just been lovely.
There are other times I’ve been hurt, don’t get me wrong. I mean… Just recently, a friend posted a status on Facebook basically saying that barring any extenuating medical circumstances, you’re a complete loser if you find yourself living at home with your parents at 24. Ummm who BOUGHT your condo for you sweetheart? MUST be nice. To think I had almost forgotten why we hadn’t spoken in months.
I’m a tough broad and it’s not too often that I take things seriously and get my feelings hurt, but it is possible. I don’t think she wrote it to intentionally bag on me, but it was mega insensitive and I was ridiculously offended. Another thing that doesn’t happen to me very often. I even commented on it, just said that I was having a hard time finding something nice to say in response… Hoping that she’d at least come back with an “Oh my gosh I’m SO sorry I totally didn’t mean anything by it!” And then she didn’t. Didn’t even say anything. Which kind of makes her even more of a jerk about it.
Whatever.
This isn’t even a fair trade off, I mean… I don’t think either one of those things is a deal breaker. I could argue for both sides!
If you have someone who’s rich but ugly… Then you know you don’t have anything to worry about financially. Car’s getting fixed, dinner on the table, private school for the kids and all the bills are paid… But are you attracted to your spouse? Attraction, chemistry and intimacy are very important aspects of a relationship.
If you have someone who’s poor but good looking… Then you know the attraction is there thus the ability to keep the relationship exciting… But then you have to worry about all the financial things.
I think more so than these things, your spouse has to be a good match for you as a person. Not because of their financial status or what they look like.
Social life?
That’s. Hilarious.
I’ve been back in Virginia for a month and a half and I’ve seen two of my friends, one of them once and the other one twice. My family’s been going through some junk, there was Christmas, PJ was here for two weeks, I’ve been helping my dad out with a bunch of stuff going on at his office… There just hasn’t been a lot of time for ‘social life.’ Not only that, but I’m stinking unemployed, so there’s not really a whole lot to do on my budget!
I think I’m going to audition for a play tomorrow though. It’s being put on in Norfolk at one of the local theaters and I know a lot of the people involved with it, I’ve gotten a LOT of encouragement to go for it, and it just looks like a lot of fun. I haven’t done a show in FOREVER. I had almost talked myself out of it, was thinking that it would be so time consuming, and if I would be moving to Williamsburg in a few months I wouldn’t want that to get in the way of a show I was doing or anything like that… But then today came, and today sucked, and I want to do the show.
PJ’s not moving here. Not yet at least. Yeah. His last day at the airline in Louisiana was supposed to be this week, he was going to pack up this weekend and start driving. He used up ALL of his vacation the first two weeks of January because he knew he was leaving, the job told him he could start February 13th, everything would be great, it was all set. And then they call him today and tell him, Oh yeah, but since your dad works for us too and you would both be working in the same region, you actually can’t have the job. WHAT. THE. FUCK. YO. I am SO unbelievably pissed off, you can’t even comprehend. This company has been DICKING him around since August when they first hinted at him that there might be a place for him on their Williamsburg property. That is FIVE months. FIVE MONTHS! The first four were them saying that they had to fire this one guy first, and as soon as the position was open it was his. Four months of “Oh we’re firing him Monday. No Friday. No next week. No after next weekend,” went by and then he tells me the news we had been WAITING to hear. That the position was open, and the job was his. He went on his OFFICIAL interview when he was here earlier this month and they told him to just wait for their word, and they’d give him a starting date. So, he got word, got the start date, was told to put in his notice, and now this. THANK GODDESS that the airline seems like they’re going to let him hold on to his job. I swear, I am livid. His dad has ALWAYS been his dad. If this was going to be the issue, it NEVER should have gotten this far. They never should have led him on for 5 months letting him think he had a place with them, getting him to a point where he’s already left his current job and used up all his vacation for the ENTIRE YEAR IN JANUARY… Dick move, company in question.. Dick move.
So at this point, I’m looking for the silver linings. Silver lining #1, we both get to keep our flying benefits so we can keep visiting each other, there’s that. He doesn’t have to start all over being at the bottom of the food chain in a company. October first marks him being with the airline for 5 years , and so the flying benefits get even sweeter.. With a corporation like American Airlines, there are so many opportunities for him to move up in the company, so this might be a blessing in disguise. When the time is right, he’ll try to get transferred here to Norfolk and see how that goes. I am going to look for something to do with my time. I’m really tired of the jobs that don’t mean anything to me, but no one will hire me to do what I want without a degree! What IS that haha. So, I think it’s time to start planning my return to community college. DUN DUN DUNNN.
So, it sucks that instead of him being here next week, I have no idea when I’ll see him again… And instead of him being here next week, I’m still in a long distance relationship… I mean, really the hardest part about this whole thing for me was the way these people treated him. It was shitty, and unprofessional and I hate it.. But all it all I think this may work out for the best in the long run.
We will see won’t we!
