I can’t even explain how wild my 27th year has been. I’ve had my heart broken more times in one year than I think I had in the first 6 of my 20’s combined. A boyfriend, a fiancé, more than one best friend… Each one a shittier heartbreak than the last, and not one of them done at my hands. My judgment has betrayed me, and in return I have a harder time trusting people now than I ever thought I could, and that includes myself. There’s nothing more terrifying to me than feeling like I can’t trust myself to make my own decisions.
I’ve continued to train consistently for the entire year, but my food and alcohol intake has gone unmonitored, and untracked- thus contributing to some weight gain. Nothing drastic, I fit into all of my clothes- just not the way I would like to. I’ve ‘started over’ no less than ten times this year, and have yet to be successful in getting myself back to where I am physically comfortable being. It almost seems that every time I get back on the wagon, my personal shit hits my personal fan and knocks me right back off. I document my life on social media, and with that comes a certain level of judgment from my followers. There’s an online forum dedicated to trash-talking ‘social media celebrities’ and as it turns out- I have my own thread there. Pages and pages of strangers bashing every little thing I’ve done and said. I haven’t looked at it in over a year and I plan to never look at it again- but I know it’s there. I’ve become nervous to post and to be honest, because when I fall and when I fail- I am judged for it. I’ve become nervous to post the posed photos I have fun with, because I am judged and called conceited and a narcissist. I am not conceited, I am confident- I’ve merely fought my way out of the shallow end of the self-confidence pool and try to keep myself swimming in self-love. It’s tough to do when just three short years ago I was my own worst enemy. I try to understand that not everyone will understand what I’ve gone through to get to where I am right now and I have to remind myself that this is not my burden to bear.
I’m currently in a job that I have absolutely no passion for. I stay because I need to pay the bills, but I am actively planning for the next moves in my life. The office life drains the enjoyment from my days, and it’s taking its toll on me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I have financial goals that are not being met, and therefore have decided to take on a second job that I will work in the evenings and on the weekends. This is to speed up the saving process, to hopefully have my financial goals met by the end of 2015. This is going to be a hit on my life in the gym, but this is a sacrifice I have to make for the time being.
I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have a mother and a father who act as the weights holding me down when I want to fly away, they are truly my best friends and I would be more of a mess than I already am if I did not have their love and support. I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have a sister who, while I generally want to punch in the throat 67% of the time, has my back 150% of the time- no matter what. I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have the most understanding, quirkiest, and reliable roommate anyone could ever ask for. She’s held me in my darkest moments and is always there for last minute first date outfit advice. These people are my constants- the foundation of my life that keep me safe from the floods.
I turn 28 in a month and a half, and I am welcoming it with open arms. I am not in the least bit afraid of getting older- 30 is right around the corner and this does not scare me. Every day I wake up a little wiser, and with a little more life experience under my belt to use to help me get through the coming days. Every day I wake up just a little more sure of myself and my purpose, even if those ideals are still blurry. I will continue to strive for the clarity I crave, but am learning to not rush it. Every day I wake up a little more aware of what I want out of life, and a little more aware of what I’m not willing to settle for. Every day I wake up just a little more sure that I will one day have everything that I’ve ever dreamed of- just as long as I don’t ever stop moving forward towards it.
Last but not least- thank YOU. Thank you to the thousands of you that interact with me on a daily basis and that stay with me even while I’m paddling through the mud. Thank you for making me feel like the sun shines out of my ass even when I’m feeling down in the dumps. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve all of you, but you make me want to figure it out and to keep doing it. The only goal I have with Fluff to Buff, and as kylethegirl, and as just Kyle- is to be the kind of person that I was hoping to stumble upon back in the day when I first started my, unbeknownst to me at the time- LIFELONG, journey. Please know that while I don’t always respond- I read EVERY single comment. Every last one of them- so keep them coming. I wish that I could tell you how you’ve all shaped my life. The moves I’m planning on making and the things I want to do are a direct result of the way we’ve interacted with each other over the last three years- you’ve made me see that I had dreams I’d never before dreamed of.
My lovely Fluff to Bufferflies- where would I even be without you?