One thing my response won’t have is a religious backing. No, ‘I’m here because Jesus died for my sins’ bullshit. (And I’ll apologize this time to anyone I might offend, but don’t get used to it. Let’s just do a blanket ‘I’m sorry if you’re offended’ for everything I write. ) But I’m serious. I am NOT a religious girl. I grew up going to an Episcopalian church, and it was by choice. My parents made appearances on Easter and Christmas and any other days that I might have been singing in the choir, playing in the band or speaking during the service… But for the most part, Mom or Dad dropped me off and then picked me up after.
I’m not really sure when the disconnect happened. I remember our youth group trip to Ireland when I was 16, and me and one of my best girlfriends sitting around during the lessons and questioning more than we ever had. All of a sudden, we didn’t just believe everything they fed us, we started to think for ourselves on that trip, and start to wonder ‘why?’ What the Bible said wasn’t concrete enough for us, and the men who wrote it not credible. I went off to college a few short years later and never really went back to church on a habitual level. I haven’t found a religion yet that speaks to me or that gives me the answers to the questions I have about the creation and the way we came to be, but I’m also not actively searching. My mother was raised an Episcopalian and while I think she still uses that as her religious backbone, she is currently on her own spiritual journey to find the answers to her questions, and I admire her for that. But looking is not a priority to me.
What if we’re not supposed to know?
As for the less cosmic aspect to the question… All I really know is that I’m not here to live in my parent’s house and mooch off of them for as long as I can. I have this deep feeling ingrained in my head and my heart that I’m meant for more than this. I deserve the big house, the nice car and the ability to go on vacations when I want. I see myself living a life where I’m not struggling to pay my bills or where the price of gas isn’t an issue. So I know I need to do something more with my life. As for WHAT? I’m still working on that one. When I ask myself what it is I’m passionate about, there are two things that come to mind. I’m passionate about music. I like to create it, listen to it, feel it… I would love to work in the industry some day, be able to record and mix… Make peoples dreams come true, push them to succeed. The other thing I’m passionate about is the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. In the past two years I’ve raised over $1,500.00 for the organization, and I don’t plan on stopping now. In a story that I’ll go more into detail with some other time, suicide has rocked the world of me and my family in a way that is not easily put into words. In a tragedy that will never leave our hearts or the back of our minds, a vibrant life was over.
I feel the need to share my family’s story, and to try and prevent other family’s stories from being like ours.
I have a lot to think about when it comes to deciding what it is I’m here for. I just hope that I can make the right decisions and do what’s right for me.