Day 7: a show or a movie that has changed you, and how.

I wish I could play along with this challenge, but I’m going to have to change it up. I’ve been considering this topic all morning, and I can’t think of a thing. I like a lot of movies, and I have a lot of favorite shows, but absolutely nothing that I couldn’t live without and not even know the difference.

The one obsession I DO have though that a lot of people don’t understand is my love for my favorite band; Third Eye Blind.

I’m going to have to go extreme nerd mode writing this post and I can only hope that there is something in this world that you are as obsessed with that you can use to try to relate to this with, because it’s about to get serious.

I had always known the popular songs everyone has heard, such as ‘Semi-charmed Life’ and ‘Jumper’, but it wasn’t until a boyfriend introduced me to the rest of their music in 2007 that I began to fall in love with them. This boy was constantly listening to Third Eye Blind albums, and let me borrow them one by one. And one by one I began to feel like they were writing their music for me, about my life. There’s a lyric in one of their most popular songs that speaks to me in a way that no other song ever has, encompasses everything I know and stand for. It goes, ‘I believe in the sand beneath my toes, the beach gives a feeling an earthy feeling. I believe in the faith that grows, and the four right chords can make me cry. When I’m with you I feel like I could die and that would be alright, alright.’ It’s so perfect… The beach is where I grew up and something I will always need to be close to. My faith is something that is constantly growing, evolving. I don’t know where it comes from or what it is, where it’s going.. It’s in an evolutionary process all on it’s own. Music has a tendency to affect me in a way such as all I need are to hear the first few notes of a song that I love to immediately bring something out in me… That song itself represents a lot of things for me.

The relationship I had with the boy that introduced me to Third Eye Blind was at that point the most serious relationship I had ever been in. All in all it didn’t last very long, but it was my first serious, adult relationship and at the time it was the deepest I had ever fallen in love.  He was a closet drug addict, hiding the depths and severity of his addictions from me, and I a Libra with an innate need to fix him. We were head over heels in love with each other, so I thought, and the break up was a devastation I didn’t know how to handle. As much as I hate to be ‘that girl’, it literally took me years to get over him and as much as I hate cliches, Third Eye Blind helped me through it. I’m the kind of person who needs to listen to sad songs that make me cry in order to work through my emotions, and 3eb was undeniably therapeutic. Their music had a theme of dysfunctional relationships failing, and mine was about as dysfunctional as they came. I actually wasn’t able to listen to a 3eb album for quite some time after the break up, having it remind me of him too much, but once I was able to put the CD’s back in, felt almost instant relief. It wasn’t until almost two years of him cycling in and out of my life and my heart feeling like it was never going to heal that I was able to recognize why the heartbreak felt so unimaginable and impossible to get over.

After countless hours of introspection with my sister the makeshift therapist, I was able to figure out why what should have been just another breakup was so impossible for me to let go of. Unbeknownst to me, losing him wasn’t as hard as it was because the relationship ended, it was as hard  as it was because of when and how the relationship actually ended. Thursday, August 2nd 2007 he and I went to an O.A.R. concert in Portsmouth. Somewhere along the way we got into a huge fight and ended up giving each other the silent treatment for the rest of the night. He drove me home, and I remember slamming the door of his truck and stomping into the house with the sound of his tires squealing away from the curb resonating behind me. The next day, we made plans to meet at the local Dairy Queen at 8:30 to talk things over and work everything out. 8:00pm was un-welcomed by a knock on the door by a grief-stricken stranger who was there to deliver the  news of my nephew’s father’s suicide just a few hours prior. The rest of the evening passed at a snails pace, but did involve a hysterical phone call to said boyfriend letting him know I couldn’t come out. He came over a few hours later to be with my and my family, but the night was spent mostly in silence by everyone. Monday morning my family and I left for Jacksonville, FL, went to the wake on Tuesday, funeral Wednesday, and headed back Friday. The boyfriend came over early Saturday morning and I sat on the front porch with him in my sweats with my bagel and pepsi, almost completely devoid of any emotion whatsoever. I was spent, but I needed him there. The conversation that followed is something that I can still see and hear in my mind.

“I think you’re a phenomenal girl, and you’re really special. I don’t think we should be together anymore.”

My first reaction was laughter, I thought he was kidding. I laughed in his face and was given a somber face in return. I realized I had just been broken up with and silently got up and walked in the house, leaving his last statement of ‘I meant everything I ever said’ unanswered. The reason it took me 2 years to get over the relationship was because it came at a time when I was already exhausting all of my allotted grief on the loss of my nephew’s father, and I wasn’t able to focus on the disintegration of my relationship. And when I was finally able to and ready to accept that the relationship was done for good, Third Eye Blind was there with it’s ‘phoenix from the ashes’ anthems for me to pick myself up off the ground. My first Third Eye Blind concert was infectious, for they put on a live show unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I’ve seen them I think 7 times live now, including a three date spread all over the state one birthday weekend of mine where I drove to see them each night that weekend. I can now listen to the same albums that once reminded me of a boy, and instead be reminded of my own strengths and ability to grow and better myself. The music is invigorating and thoughtful and has taught me so much about myself and the woman I am becoming. Third Eye Blind has followed me for years now and with every new song comes a new string that attaches my emotions and my love to them, and they might as well be made of steel, they’re not going anywhere.

I no longer look back on that relationship in mourning  or sadness, but with gratefulness to have had the ability to love, and lose, and survive.  Third Eye Blind is no longer tied to a specific relationship for me, ( in fact I don’t think of him at all anymore) but tied to the lessons that were learned in the wake of it. Lessons that can be carried with me all the time.


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