Day 25: a friend you have lost that you’re better off without/one you wish you had back.

This one’s tough… It takes me no time at all to think of the one ‘friend’ who has continuously burned me badly enough to have been cut out completely. But while airing out her dirty laundry doesn’t plague me in the least, the story of the dissolution of our friendship involves a third party who’s business I am NOT comfortable blowing up.

She and I were in a tight group of friends who spent all of our time with each other, and we became very close. Without going into the horrifying details of what happened, she broke code. There is a girl code, and it is very straightforward, and this issue was black and white. No grey area, she was WRONG. She broke code and she broke it BADly. I was shocked… I was hurt, betrayed, angry beyond belief. She ended up bringing  me flowers as an apology, and apologized for hurting me but never admitted that what she did was wrong. Not once, not even as the years went by did she ever even recognize that she was in the wrong or that she broke code. That was one of the hardest parts! She felt bad for making me feel badly, but what good is an apology when the person apologizing has no real grasp on what they’re apologizing for?!

Since we had all the same friends, it was easiest for me to accept her apology and pretend to move past the betrayal. The years went by and our friendship, while live, never regained the closeness it once saw. We half-heartedly joked that we had gotten through the worst and that it had only brought us closer together, but I was lying through my teeth. I could stand to be with her and talk with her and spend time with her, but it was just never the same.

Years past, she went away for some work training for a while, I moved out of state… We hadn’t seen each other in forever when one night she sends me an AOL Instant Messenger conversation she had saved on her computer from High School… she prefaced the IM conversation with a note laughing about how silly high school was and wasn’t it too bad we couldn’t be together with a bottle of wine to remenisce? I started reading the conversation to realize that it was a conversation between PJ and myself when we were seniors in high school… This IM took place after our first breakup, and he and I were ripping each other apart and saying some of the most awful, horrible things to each other. Keep in mind, I am LIVING in LOUISIANA with PJ at the point in time that I am reading this message from my ‘friend.’ I quickly typed up a response to her in which I basically told her that it was plain hateful and mean for her to send me that conversation, and what purpose could it have possibly served? Why would I EVER want to be reminded of a time when I was 17 or 18 years old and my boyfriend and I are saying terrible things to each other… ESPECIALLY IF WE’RE BACK TOGETHER!!?? I pointed out that our ‘friendship’ had always been fueled by drama and that while I may have been friendly with her over the years that I never fully forgave her for what she had done, and that the IM she sent to me that night was basically a slap in the face. I then told her I never wanted to speak to her again, because I had had it.

I had nothing left tying me to this woman, our once tight knit group of friends had since (amicably) disbanded to find our future selves, we were living more than 1200 miles away from each other, and I had stopped caring. She was not the kind of person that I needed in my life, and my life has been full and happy and wonderful without her. It was just time for our friendship to be over, and that was okay. I’m sure she feels the same way, but I’ll be just fine if I never get to hear it from her personally.

 

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