So I’m on a couple journeys these days. For one, I’m on this crazy weightloss journey which has all but completely taken over my whole life. For another, I’m on this journey trying to figure out how the hell to be single after more than two years with the same person- the longest relationship I’ve had to date, and by a lot.
Both journeys are very taxing, and like anything else in life- they both have their ups and their downs; their good days and their not so good days. I have more good days than I have not so good days, and by a very large margin at that. I wouldn’t call the outcasts ‘bad’ days, and sometimes they don’t even qualify as a ‘not so good’ day… But some days, a day like today, are just a little bit harder than the rest.
My weight loss is going really well. I’m down 33lbs total, 27 of them being just from the middle of June. I started in a size 18 pants, and am now wearing 12s and 14s. I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t want to cry, I don’t want to throw a sheet over it. I know that I have farther to go on this journey and that there is a lot of hard work left to be done before I can say that I’m done LOSING weight, but I fully recognize the power behind what I’ve accomplished so far. I have learned how to manipulate my body into doing what I want it to do, and into looking how I want it to look. I’ve learned that I am at the helm of this goddamned ship, and it’s going to go exactly where I want it to go. That’s that. It’s an every day battle, and every day I wake up determined to win. So far, so good. I see no reason whatsoever why I can’t be exactly where I want to be by the end of the year and that’s exciting.
As for the other journey, meh. Again. Most days are good days, but today is a little tougher. I honestly think it has to do with that damn hurricane that’s barreling towards Louisiana right now. It makes me think of the year and a half I spent in Louisiana, and the life I had there. It wasn’t perfect, and that might even be an understatement. I was in a dead-end job, living in the world’s crappiest apartment, and I was a cow. But I was in love with this handsome man who loved me back, and for a while, that was good enough. While it wasn’t a perfect life, it was MY life. It wasn’t a perfect apartment, (no really- it was a complete shithole) but it was MY apartment. He wasn’t a perfect man, but he was MY man. It was the first time I’d ever been 100% independent. I was living with a man in this small town 12oo miles away from everything I’d ever known, I was paying bills (sometimes they were even on time!), I had friends, got along really well with his mom and his sister… It was enough. I recognized that I was never going to get anywhere with that job, and that while I was making enough money to cover the necessities, I didn’t have enough to pay off my old debts, or save for anything else I might have wanted some day (a new car… a house? a wedding?) It took a long time of settling, but I knew that if I didn’t get out of that town and do something that was in the best interest of ME, that I was going to end up stuck there living paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life, and that was unacceptable to me.
I moved back home, in with my parents, and was back in this long distance relationship. He was transferred to my hometown a few months later, and moved in with a family friend of his. I was so excited that he and I were together in MY town… I had all these hopes that we’d get to act like exactly what we were-high school sweethearts. We’d go on dates, work our asses off, pay off our old debts, and someday be able to afford to get a place together again and live happily ever after. Things turned out far from what I expected, and there was no end in sight. I felt trapped in my situation, just as I had in Louisiana, except this time with an icredible job that I love and that has so much room for growth. He never did anything WRONG, but with two years invested, the relationship wasn’t where I needed it to be, and I couldn’t see it going where I wanted it to go. Deciding to break up was a heartbreaking decision to make, and while I have a lot of moments where I sit back and reflect on all the fun we had together and the incredible memories he was able to give me… I have to snap myself out of it and remember the reasons it had to end.
This hurricane is heading to Baton Rouge apparently, which is about 4 hours southeast of where we lived in Bossier City/Shreveport. I still can’t help but think of his mother, who was so incredibly sweet and loving, and his sisters’, who I became very close with. He’s apparently moving to Baton Rouge soon, or that’s what he said his plan was the last time I talked to him (a few weeks ago.) I don’t know what his plan is, when he’s going, if he’s already gone, I don’t know anything. I think him living in Baton Rouge is probably a very good idea. His dad is in Jersey, his mom and sisters in northern Louisiana… I think it will be so good for him to do something on his own. He’s a smart guy with this huge amount of potential, and I would love for him to thrive down there in Baton Rouge.
Breaking up SUCKS. And as a Libra, I have this inate fear of being alone, which is probably why I clung to the fraying ends of our relationship at the end. But in addition to me getting this chance to focus on getting myself to a place where I want to be- a place where I’m in shape, back in college, debts paid off and maybe even an apartment of my own again, he’s also getting the chance to do the same. He’s got the chance to live a life that HE wants to live, and learn the hard lessons I think he’s going to have to learn. I miss him, and I love him, and it’s hard to accept that this is what’s best for the both of us, but I know it is.
I think I’ve officially filled my sap-factor quota for the time-being. It’s time to get back to work. I have things to do, here at the office, and just in life in general. Sorry for dipping back into that relationship stuff again there for a little bit, but it was on my mind this morning, and I needed to let it out.
Back to reality!