I’ve lost fifty mother-f***ing pounds.

I am SO sorry about the swearing. Really, I am. I mean, kind of. Look, sometimes it’s just necessary.

I just went back and reread my post from July 5th of this year… It was the post I’d written about how excited I was to have lost 20 pounds. I had finally escaped the 200’s and was sitting at 198.9 celebrating 20 lbs lost. It was a huge day for me, and I was so inspired by my own accomplishment.

Today, 4.5 months later, I’m celebrating 50 lbs lost. I’m sitting here at my desk at work, smiling like an idiot because it doesn’t even feel real. I don’t even give a shit that my original goal was to have gotten to this point a month ago. I don’t give a shit that I might not get my 148 by New Year’s when I wanted it. I just don’t give a shit about any of it. I’ve lost 50 lbs and that’s just insane. Timelines are awesome, and I’m glad I set them- I wouldn’t change that piece of it for anything. Setting timelines has helped me stay focused and on track, but when it comes down to it, it just doesn’t matter. I’m JUST as happy to have woken up to 168 today as I would have been a month ago. It’s an absolutely indescribable feeling, and I wish it for everyone- I really and truly do.

I was so unhappy for so long… I had ALWAYS wanted to lose weight and just never thought that I was the kind of person who was capable of making that happen- so seeing this transformation in myself is just unreal. I’m beginning to really appreciate the having been fat thing. I mean.. It’s horrifying and embarrassing to see the pictures, to show them to the world, to say- “Yeah, I weighed 218 lbs for a while there.” It’s excruciating- but at the same time- I can be that much more appreciative of the process I’ve gone through and of my accomplishments. The life of the naturally thin must be an interesting one- never having to experience what a hellacious experience shopping can be, never hating yourself so deeply and being so ashamed that you can’t wear the things you want to be able to wear… Shop in the stores you want to be able to shop in… I don’t begrudge the naturally thin of their naturally thin-ness, nor do I think they’ve never had anything to be unhappy about. I’m merely saying they’ll never know the pain of being obese, or the swell of pride from taking control and getting rid of it. It’s a journey I’m glad I had to take- for it’s taught me so much about my inner strength.

My best friend Callah, who has just lost 30 lbs herself, and I were talking last night about all the things that change when you decide to lose weight. She said, ‘I didn’t think about everything that would change with losing weight, other than that my clothes would fit differently.” And it’s a really good point. When I took on this process, it was mainly for physical reasons. I didn’t want to weigh 218 lbs, I didn’t want to wear XL shirts and size 18 jeans. I didn’t want to wear a one-piece bathing suit in the summer… This is Virginia Beach- the summer is for short shorts and tank tops. Trust and believe, I wore jeans all summer. Those are the things I wanted to change- but I what I DIDN’T take into account were the effects it would have on my mental and emotional health, as well as my relationships. I can’t even begin to tell you how flat out HAPPY I am. My mom has asked me a few times in the past few days, ‘What’s going on? What’s got you in such a good mood?” And I can just say, ‘I’m not sure, I’m just so HAPPY!’ I just have so much to be thankful for. I have the best circle of people in my life that anyone could ever ask for. My parents, sister and brother-in-law are supportive and encouraging, my best friends have been rooting me on from day one, my INTERNET support system (sounds so cheesy but if you don’t have one you just can’t knock it!) is OUT OF THIS WORLD. Shit, joining this Twitter ‘FitFam’ thing is turning out to be so much more than I ever expected it to be. They’re honestly happy for me when I achieve something, and I am honestly and truly happy for them when they do the same. The bond that I have with these girls all over the country and all over the world is something that I can’t even put into words. Their constant advice and encouragement has been indispensable.

The demise of my latest relationship is something that I cannot blame on my decision to lose weight, but I can’t say helped us either. No matter how much he wants to believe that we broke up because I’d rather go to the gym than spend time with him, that wasn’t the case at all. He can tell that story to anyone he wants, but he’s just avoiding taking responsibility for his role in the breakup. He doesn’t realize that, but I do- and that’s all that matters.  What losing weight did do,  was further prove to me that we were on completely different pages in our lives, and solidify my growing suspicion that we weren’t going to make it. People think love is the end all and be all when it comes to any and everything, and that’s bullshit. (My mother wrote an insanely thought provoking essay on the subject, and if she ever posts it or publishes it, I’ll be sure to post the link! Hey Mom, hint hint, wink wink.) If love were enough, he and I would have been fine. That’s the ONE thing our relationship did have going for it- we were definitely in love. But when you’re in your mid 20’s and you’re buying cars and paying off debts and getting big girl jobs and making real life decisions- the man by your side has to want those things for you as well, not begrudge you for your accomplishments and make you feel guilty for succeeding. I got to a point where I didn’t want to share good news with him because he’d just end up resenting me for it. I loved him deeply, but I couldn’t have him making me feel badly about furthering myself in my career and getting my life together.  It seems like I went off on a huge tangent there, but my point still stands. These were things I didn’t consider at the beginning of this when I just thought I was going to be able to buy smaller pants someday. Just as I can now appreciate the having been fat thing, I appreciate that man’s role in my life 100% and I will always. He was my first love, my high school sweetheart, and our ever-changing relationship over the past six years taught me so much, as did our life together in Louisiana. I would not change any of it.

When you decide you don’t want to be fat anymore, people tell you that things will change, but until you experience it yourself, you don’t know what those changes are going to be for YOU. All I can do is promise that they’re for the better. Every single thing that has happened in my life as a result of losing 50 lbs has been 100%, completely worth it. THIS is the life I’m supposed to be living, and these are the people I’m supposed to be surrounded by. Every single day I find myself happier than the day before, stronger than the day before, and all-around happier with my life.

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9 thoughts on “I’ve lost fifty mother-f***ing pounds.

  1. Alice says:

    Awesome, awesome, AWESOME! I’ve been following Laura for a while and found you through her (I think from some hilarious smart ass comment on instagram) and was like, hey, whoa…this chick was where I’m at with my mind/body just a few months ago and she looks/feels bad ass now. Shit..I can do it too. You both inspire me. A LOT. I hope to reach my goals just as you have. Congrats Kyle!

    • kylethegirl says:

      Smart ass? Laura and I?? No way, you must have the wrong people LOL.

      I’m so glad we can help in any way possible, even if just by proving it can be done, that’s exactly what she did for me. I found her and thought, Holy shit, I can too… You will reach your goals, just keep working hard and it will happen!

  2. kabellasmile says:

    This was such an insightful article…and I loved how long it was! You are entirely right about the mental as well as physical changes. And I am so glad you did this for YOU, and are so happy as a result 🙂

    • kylethegirl says:

      Haha I tend to get a little long winded 😉 thank you so much for your support, I never could have done this without all of the strength and the encouragement that comes from the outside.

      I just got to a point where I decided it was okay for me to be selfish for once, and I took control.

      Thank you for reading- Nothing makes me happier than people actually reading-AND LIKING- what I write!!

  3. Tonya says:

    Hello would you mind sharing which blog platform you’re using? I’m
    looking to start my own blog in the near future but I’m having a difficult time making a decision between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and Drupal. The reason I ask is because your layout seems different then most blogs and I’m looking for something unique.
    P.S Apologies for getting off-topic but I had to ask!

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