When you feel like giving up…

FRIGGING DON’T! That’s CRAZY! Why would you do that! You’ve come SO far, you’ve worked SO hard… You would be INSANE to give it all up now, and for WHAT?

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times… (There I go, channeling the ever-wise Mama The Girl.) “I am NOT perfect- I am a HUMAN.” Look, I get so much support from all over the place, and I am constantly filled with such overwhelming pride and joy when people tell me that I’ve inspired them in some way or that my attitude has helped push them through one of their tough workouts… It’s the best feeling in the world. But even the great and powerful Oz  (whoops!) Even I have my moments of weakness! I was in the middle of doing my 120 weighted walking lunges this morning, (I may or may not have to stand for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow afternoon due to the inability to sit, so far- undetermined.) and I had a small moment of ‘OMG THIS IS THE WORST WHYYYY AM I DOING THIS.’ I came pretty close to stopping after the first forty. I was thinking, “No one is going to know I didn’t finish my workout. No one is going to look at my butt today and think, ‘Ummm, that looks like a 40 lunge butt, not a 120 lunge butt.’ ” WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

And then I thought of all the differences it makes.

– 40 lunges four days a week makes a 640 lunge butt after a month.

– 120 lunges four days a week makes a 1,920 lunge butt after a month.

I did not drive all the way to the gym all those days for a measly 640 lunge butt! I want my 1,920 lunge butt! It might not make a difference in that ONE workout, but trust and believe all your efforts are not for one day- they are all being added to a big ol’ bank called THE BIG PICTURE.

STOP for a second and think about why you’re doing this!! What got your ass INTO the gym the first time? Let’s seriously talk about this because this is what’s important. I’ll go first.

I had to lose weight because I refused to weigh more than my boyfriend, who was 6’4″. YUP. I weighed more than a six foot fucking four man. THAT is uncool. I had to lose weight because even after having been with this man for two consecutive years, and in an on and off relationship with him for four years before that, I still felt ashamed of myself. Ashamed to be out in public with him, and even worse- ashamed to even be in the comfort of our own home with him. After six years, a woman should NOT be so ashamed of her own body that it starts to affect her relationship. The “You’re not fat”s and the “I love you just the way you are”s are NICE, and appreciated to an extent. But on a deep level in the back of your own mind, they feel forced, obligatory, and flat out offensive. ‘How dare you tell me you love me like this, because I can’t STAND me like this.’ Let me make this clear- I did not start to lose weight to impress my man. I started to lose weight because I realized that my being fat was having negative affects on the way my relationship worked. I was tired of feeling like he was settling for me, and I was tired of feeling like I was settling for being this person I didn’t think I was supposed to be.

I started to lose weight because I love clothes. I frigging, LOVE, clothes. Bright colors, shiny fabrics, skinny jeans, sequins, blazers… I love it all. And this is Virginia Beach, people. It’s no Fashion Capital of the world or anything, but it’s warm, it’s sunny, it’s touristy, and in the on-season, the city is littered with tourists and locals alike in their flip-flops, tank tops, short shorts and string bikinis. (Quick way to differentiate is the ‘Fanny-Pack Factor.’) No one wants to wear jeans in the summer. I live within driving distance of one of the most popular beaches in the country, and I can’t tell you the last time I went to it for standard ‘fun in the sun.’ I spent last summer at the pool in the privacy of my parent’s backyard where the only people I was with were people who wouldn’t judge my fat ass for wearing a bikini despite 218 lbs just because I wanted a tan. (ugh, do yourself a favor and don’t imagine that. It wasn’t pretty.) Today, I’m rocking purple skinny jeans that are two sizes too big and an adorable black cropped blazer. It’s fantastic. I need new jeans, but whatever. I’d rather they were two sizes too big than two sizes too small and that’s a FACT.

I started to lose weight because I like cute guys. Yup. I like guys that take care of themselves. Six-pack abs are not required, and while they are certainly appreciated and admired, I simply like a guy who takes care of himself- who takes an active interest in his health and his body and his well-being. And how can I expect to find myself someone like that if I’m not living the same life? Again- I am not losing weight to ‘find a man.’ I started losing weight so that when I see that good looking guy across the gym I don’t have to berate myself with something ridiculous like, ‘Oh you could never be seen in public with him.’ Instead I can just admire him (from a distance, let’s be serious) and have that be that.

The moral of the story here folks is that I have decided that I deserve the best and only the best, and I want to FEEL like I deserve the best. Yes? I don’t want to feel like I can’t have the clothes that I want, or that I cant be with the handsome man that I want- because I’m not happy with the way I look. When I was fat, I dressed the best I could, and I had a great looking guy on my arm and I walked into rooms and commanded them the best I could- because that’s the person I am. I just feel like if I have the body to go with it, the confidance won’t be so feigned, the smile won’t be so forced, and the motives of the people close to me not so questioned.

It kind of sounds like I wanted to lose weight because of boys and clothes, but what I’m trying to portray here is that the boys and the clothes are merely the WAY that the real reasons I needed to lose weight were presented to me. Not feeling worthy, not feeling deserving, not feeling attractive, not feeling appreciated, not feeling young, not feeling ANYTHING but disgusting… THESE are the reasons I decided to lose weight. And these are the same reasons that I did 120 lunges this morning during my workout. I refuse to settle for mediocrity, I refuse to settle for adequate, and I refuse to settle for anything less than the best. I deserve the best, and I want to make damn well sure that I FEEL that I deserve the best.

I know it’s hard to wake up in the morning. And I know working out can be hard, and it’s not always fun. I know it hurts afterwards, and I know it’s time-consuming. I also know that not a single one of those things should be stopping you from feeling the absolute best that you can feel every damn day, you hear me? I’m not saying this because I need to reassure myself, I have FOUND the light people, I am just trying to share it with you haha. Life is GOOD over here, and I don’t want you to give up. I want you to know what it’s like to accomplish something huge, to get the compliments, to wear the clothes you’ve dreamed of wearing, to feel worthy of something, of ANYthing.

You CAN do this, and you WILL do this. Make the decision, give yourself the pep-talks when you feel like giving in, remind yourself of the reasons you’re doing this. And if you need a little kick in the ass, I’m easy to find. I’d be more than happy to give it to you!

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4 thoughts on “When you feel like giving up…

  1. Kelly says:

    This is a GREAT post! I’ll have to keep it for after I have this baby in 34 days (or less)! Thanks for sending a reminder to everyone to not give up! You’re amazing! Thanks for the inspiration and motivation.

  2. Lori says:

    Your post made me cry. I feel like I am reading something that I wrote myself, except I haven’t found the light yet. Thank you for writing this.

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