The pictures on the left are from when I decided once and for all that I was over being fat. That was June 10th, 2012- and I weighed 210 lbs. It’s 8 lbs lighter than my highest recorded weight, but that was the day I refused to let it go on any longer. I joined the gym, changed my eating habits, and stopped downing bottles of wine in single sittings 3-4 times a week. The pictures on the right were taken this morning, December 10th, 2012- at 165 lbs. That’s 45 lbs, in exactly 6 months. (53lbs total!) And no, I’m not lost on the irony that I’m more tan now in December than I was in June!
For as huge as 45 lbs in 6 months is, it’s still not where I had originally hoped I’d be at this point. It’s hard to even care though- when you’ve never lost any amount of weight before in your life, it’s impossible to predict how your body is going to cope with the process. I may not be as far along as I had tried to plan, but I’m leaps and bounds further than I’ve ever been in my life. I’m smaller now than I was when I went to my senior prom 6.5 years ago, and I’m in the same size jeans now that I was wearing when I was a freshman in high school. The fact that this is the smallest I’ve been in ten years is bittersweet for me. I’m so thrilled to have made it this far, but at the same time… I’m so sad for the girl who let it get so bad. I can only now begin to realize that if I’m now smaller than I was when I went to my prom, I had to have gained between 40 and 50 lbs in the last 6 years.
Looking back over the last handful of years- I’m reminded of the different heartbreaks and their varying levels of severity, the tragic suicide of my nephew’s father, the impulsive decision to move to Louisiana which was accompanied by heavy drinking and more fast food than one should consume in a year and a half, and the equally as impulsive decision to move back to Virginia and in with my parents. It’s been a whirlwind of a few years, and it’s no wonder my health and my weight were never a concern to me. I had never taken them into account before, at what point did I expect myself to start? It wasn’t until I was back in Virginia that I really started to take a look at my life and reevaluate. I had really let myself go when I was in Louisiana, and more than just with my weight. I went from working a terrible call center job in Louisiana to having a wonderful corporate position in a great company here in VA… I went from my 20+ year old Chevy Blazer (that I loved with every piece of my heart- I cried the day they towed her from the driveway to the junkyard) to a beautiful Gold 2008 Scion xB… I went from ignoring the bill collectors and piled up hospital bills to paying off the majority of them with my first couple paychecks from my fancy new job… All these things made me feel better than I had in a long time, and I was beginning to feel as if I were an actual adult- moving forward with my life and contributing to society. I was beginning to feel like this person that I always thought I was supPOSED to be, but never was. The only thing missing at this point, was the lack of confidence in my appearance. I’d upgraded so many facets of my life, I had to upgrade ME.
All of these other factors coming into place were SO beneficial to my self-worth and my well-being, but I was still fat- and pissed off about it. And today, 6 months from the day that I decided to turn everything around, I’m ecstatic. Despite the fact that I had the hardest time in the world getting ready for work this am because I only have a handful of things that fit me anymore, I’m happier than I have been in years. I’ve found this level of happiness I don’t know as if I’ve ever known existed. I’ve been looking for it for years, but have been looking for it in all the wrong places. My happiness was not in a long term relationship with a beautiful man who loved me despite all of my flaws, and it was not at the bottom of any bottle of wine I looked for it in. And trust me, I checked a lot of bottles. Apparently, my happiness has been buried under 50 lbs of fat. Now I’m not saying that losing 50 lbs is the key to everyone’s happiness, but it was the key to mine. Losing this weight has shown me just how much I’m capable of. I’ve worked so damn hard for this, and have made so many tough decisions to get where I am right now, and it has been worth every damn minute of it. I used to go shopping and feel so sorry for myself because ‘they don’t make clothes for normal sized women.’ and ‘everything is made for midgets.’ I was refusing to accept responsibility for my situation, and when my size 18 jeans started becoming snug, refused to believe that the problem could be me. Now, I need a belt for my size 10s, and hopefully will soon be able to purchase my first pair of jeans in the single digits, I think, EVER. I feel so much better about myself and the way I look, I love the way clothes look on me, I don’t even hate myself in a sports bra and shorts. Summer 2013 is going to be so strange. I would comfortably wear a two piece bathing suit right now- I can’t even imagine how I’ll feel about it in 6 more months. I’m going to wear jean shorts. And halter tops. I’m going to actually go to the BEACH instead of hiding out in my parents pool.
21 days until the end of the year, I’m logging back into FB on the 1st. I want to be a solid 159 by then. These last three weeks of the month (that include very food-driven traditional Polish Christmas Eve festivities in Buffalo with the family) are going to be pretty strict. I’ve worked this hard for this long, I want to be in the 150s for the big Facebook reveal!
I love when they say, ‘Imagine where you could be in three months if you started today.’ I mean, the time is going to pass anyways. Why not spend it making your dreams come true?