I thought for sure I was ready to write this post, yet I’ve managed to keep myself busy with anything BUT writing it since I said I was going to, TWO HOURS AGO. I don’t know what the problem is, I think I’m afraid of it being another novel haha. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE SHORT AND CONCISE. It’s a flaw.
Okay so the show was just about three weeks ago, on June 29th. After 25 weeks of dieting and working my ASS off in the gym every day, it was finally here. The day before the show, Jake and I did some running around for last minute things for the show and vacation, and I was wearing a pair of size 6 shorts that were literally falling off of me. I weighed in show morning at my lightest ever- 147lbs. I mean, I guess not ever. I had to pass 147 at some point on my way up to 218, right? Haha but 147 on show morning was the lowest number I think I’ve ever seen on a scale. I mean, I was wearing a size 10 when I was 14 years old, I don’t know how much I weighed but it had to have been at least 165 or 170 at that point. Not fat, but I was no 147 swimming in size 6’s!
I felt AMAZING on the day of the show. I was ecstatic with how the spray tan turned out everywhere except my face. She said she was going light, but my face was Tan Mom all over again. I was panicked, but thankfully hired an amazeballs professional makeup artist to do my makeup that morning. As it turns out, her specialty is foundation, and she was able to turn me into this rockstar fitness Barbie BOMBSHELL I hardly even recognized.
I obviously looked fake as hell and nothing like myself, but I felt amazing. I couldn’t stop staring at myself, as conceited as it sounds. I’ve been the fat girl for my entire adult life, so to look at myself in the mirror and see what I saw and feel what I felt… I can’t even really describe it. I had been nervous about standing on stage in front of who knew how many people in a bathing suit and hooker heels, but the spray tan, the extra blonde highlights, the full face of stage makeup, the fake eyelashes, the fake nails and the flashy jewelry acted as a costume for me. I was barely wearing any clothing, but there was so much ON me that I felt covered- if that makes any sense. The body was there, it was all me, but all these added extras helped boost my confidence through the roof which in turn allowed me to relax a little when it came to thinking about being on the stage.
My best friend Callah acted as my right hand man backstage. She kept me on track with when I needed to eat and what I needed to eat, helped me touch up my makeup and my hair when needed, and just all around kept me company.
Jake was of course back stage too, (my bodybuilding boyfriend for anyone reading who doesn’t know already!!) but it was his first show too and he needed to focus on getting himself ready too. I was able to check the list of classes and see the names, competitor numbers and heights of the other women I’d be competing with. At 5’10”, not only was I obviously in the ‘Bikini Tall’ class, but I was literally the tallest woman entered in the whole show lol. 6’3″ with the heels! There were 6 women in the Bikini Tall class, and they would be placing 5. I was like, Okay cool all I have to do is be better than one woman!! Spoiler alert, I wasn’t. I didn’t place. I know right, 6 women, 5 places, I’M the odd one out!!
By the time I went on stage for pre-judging, I’d already gone out into the audience to watch Jake’s portions of the show. He did such an amazing job, it was so cool to be able to sit out there with our families, watch him and be able to SEE that he was definitely a top contender. We knew when he was on stage that he was going to pull first places, and I’m just still so proud of what he brought to the stage that day. He worked so hard- he deserved it.
Pre-judging was interesting, since I’d been in the audience already- I knew where mine and Jake’s families were sitting, I could hear them yelling and cheering for me, and I just gave it all I had. I felt good about my poses, and I felt good on the stage.
Honestly, at this point so much of it is a blur. There were a couple of hours of intermission between the pre-judging and the finals, we went out to the lobby to see our families. Lots of hugs and high fives all around- but one of MY favorite moments was when I saw my coach’s wife. She hadn’t been at the morning show, so she hadn’t seen me yet- but as soon as she did she started welling up. She follows my Fluff to Buff page, so she knows what I’ve done- and she just told me how proud she was of me and what an amazing job I’d done. To see this woman I don’t even know all that well get emotional over me doing the show and the work I’d put into it- it was just another stick of validation that I’d done something great no matter what the results of the evening would bring. That meant a lot to me. (Thanks, Kim!!!) Jake’s family decided to go with mine to grab food, but since it was raining we decided we didn’t want to risk our spray tans outside so we stayed at the venue and hung out back stage with a couple of our teammates.
The evening show came along, and I again went out into the audience to watch Jake’s routine, which was, for lack of a better word- amazing. He hit every pose with perfection, threw a military salute into it- the crowd went insane…. I was SO nervous for him to go on, and was SO proud when he nailed it. Speaking of the day being a blur, I barely remember doing my t-walk. I remember being paranoid that I was going to forget it all, and I remember hearing my family and one of the trainers from the gym screaming for me, but that’s about it. Then all we could do was wait.
They did the bodybuilding awards first, and I watched my guy pile up his trophies. I remember even telling a couple of the girls back stage after he’d won his first places, ‘That one? First place? Yeah that’s my boyfriend.’ Haha such a girl. It came time for my class’s awards to be announced, and it was tough. I had been telling myself for 6 months that it wasn’t about placing, placing didn’t matter. And it didn’t- in the grand scheme of things. But it was really hard to feel that good about myself all day long and to have gone through so many ups, so many downs, to put my heart and soul, blood, sweat and tears into this one day, to have had EVERYTHING I had done for the past six months revolve all around this ONE moment, and then be the ONLY one who didn’t place. Even after posting pictures all throughout the day and hearing all sorts of amazing things from all of my supporters online and in person- I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t MEGA bummed out when I wasn’t called up. I went back and forth between being super proud I’d come as far as I did, and feeling stupid that I’d actually gotten my hopes up a little bit about placing. I was able to hold myself together for the most part… And then one of the amazing women I’d met getting our tans the night before and had shown my before picture to, came up to me and gave me a huge hug and told me that I was beautiful, and that I should be so proud of what I’ve done, and that I didn’t need any judges to tell me that I’d won. I was glad she walked away when she did because she definitely made me cry. I went and changed my clothes real quick and came back in time to watch Jake win his last two of his four total awards. While he was on stage, a trainer from my gym and his girlfriend who had also competed that day (and placed in her class) both came up to me with the same kind of kind words. Hugs and congrats, both breaking me down again. What is that??? WHY is it so easy to hold yourself together until someone comes up to you to be nice?! Bah!
So, it was rough. I struggled that evening with finding a balance of feeling sorry for myself, and feeling overwhelming pride for Jake, who completely annihilated.
We went out to dinner after the show with our families, which was nice. We went to a favorite of mine, an Irish pub called Kelly’s. Jake and I ordered some spinach artichoke dip which we slaughtered in no time, and then had crab dip that we shared with the families, and split a burger and onion rings. We were full when we left, but didn’t make ourselves sick.
After a long hot shower that night I laid in bed, exhausted, a little numb to the day, confused about how I felt about everything, bummed and relieved that it was all over, but a little nervous about whatever was yet to come.
On our way to Hatteras in the morning, Jake and I stopped at Denny’s and there was another massacre of sorts.
That’s kind of what the whole week was like to be honest. We went down there with a plan, we weren’t going to go crazy. We took protein powder, the blender for shakes, all kinds of healthy things to eat, and then it all just went to shit. We ate what we wanted all day every day, and drank pretty much every night. We had a blast, and it was delicious- and I regret it and don’t all at the same time. I had been prepping for the show since January, but I hadn’t eaten anything that bad for me or eaten that MUCH or drank that MUCH in over a year. I knew I shouldn’t have been that extreme, I heard plenty of warnings about coming off the competition diet, but it didn’t matter at the time. We just ate.
(^^^ fluffy on the beach. Yeah and that was only like 2 days in LOL)
So, the numbers. I know you want to know how much weight I gained in that week. I wasn’t going to tell you guys, I really didn’t want to hear the lectures to be honest with you. ‘Shouldn’t have eaten that much, metabolic damage, wah wah wah.’ So please. I’ll tell you- but keep the lectures to yourselves if you don’t mind. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you’re told beforehand, some lessons have to be learned first hand.
The morning of the show, I weighed 147lbs. Granted, I was completely dry of water- and it was first thing in the morning, empty stomach. But 147 on June 29th right… On the evening of July 7th, just 8 days later…..168. Oh yeah. I wasn’t expecting it to be that high, but at least I didn’t weigh as much as Jake!! I won’t tell his numbers though, not my business to tell haha. But they were pretty impressive too.
So anyways, woke up Monday am, scale said 165. So I’m like, okay. 18lbs in a week. It’s not all real, it’s mostly water…. Whatever we have to tell ourselves to make us feel better, right haha. So I started back at the gym that day, started drinking my gallon and a half again, and went back to mostly chicken and sweet potatoes, eggs and oatmeal and broccoli. My body responds to it, it’s what feels best, so there. It’s a week and a half later and I’m back in the 150’s, and I don’t look like a whale- so we’re in a good place.
It’s the high 150’s, but it’s still 150’s. AND I did cardio yesterday, but literally that is the only cardio I’ve done since before the show. So I fully expect to drop more poundage once I get back on my regular cardio game. I fit comfortably in my size 6 jeans, the 4’s are a wiiiiiiittle snug…. Okay they flat out don’t fit lol who am I kidding.
SO WHAT NOW, RIGHT?
Well, there’s a competition on September 14th, it’s about 8 weeks away. Jake is doing it, so he’s back on serious prep grind already. Me? I don’t know. I probably won’t be doing it. It’s a pro-qualifier, which means that the competition is going to be even steeper than it was at the show I did- and I didn’t even place in that one! I don’t want to do a show if I can’t take a body that’s better than the one I had before- know what I mean? So right now I’m just focusing on getting my body back to where I’m happy with it. I’m cool with it now, but I still feel some fluff, I’d like to tighten up. I’m not stressing about anything, if I want a rice cake with chunky peanut butter and raisins on it, I’m gonna eat it.. (and did yesterday!) I’m sticking to my eggs and oatmeal in the morning because it’s delicious and I love it, and chicken and sweet potatoes throughout the day. If I want something else, I’m going to have it- within reason. I’m still training every day, and I want to get back to cardio at least 5 mornings a week- as well as getting my gallon and a half in every day. I’ve decided that my size 6 jeans are the largest I’m willing to go, they will be my gauge! If I make some SERIOUS progress in the next handful of weeks, and it’s 3 weeks from the next show and I feel like I can compete, then I will. But I’m not going to break my back working for it. I have no problem with going just to carry Jake’s trophies 🙂 Yes, I will definitely do another show sometime, and I’ll even do the 12-16 mega prep for them- but I’ve been serious dieting for six months and need to be a little more relaxed for a bit. Like I said, I don’t want to do another show until I can go better than I was before. That’s really what this whole lifestyle is about anyways right? It’s about SELF-IMPROVEMENT and change, and learning.
So what have I learned? First off- next show- I won’t have them tan my face. I WILL hire a makeup artist to do my makeup and match my face to my tan, but I will not have them spray my face! I won’t go on a week long food bender post-show next time either. Again, no lectures needed, lesson learned. It won’t be that bad after only a 12-16 week show prep either, you gotta remember this was 6 months of serious dieting. My very first bikini show is under my belt, I’ve got that experience I can check off the list! As far as my body goes- abs are next. Yes I’d LIKE to be in the 140s on a regular non competition day, and honestly I think that’s doable. I mean, I was in the 150s for 6 months, so I don’t think 140s is impossible. But more importantly than the number on the scale, I want abs. I’ll even sacrifice the 140s and stay in the 150s until the day I die if I can just get some damn abs to come in. So those are next.
I feel like I’m starting to ramble and fall all over the place, this has gotten way too damn long. I’m so sorry this probably took you forever and a day to read- but I’ve been getting all kinds of questions and am just now feeling like I’ve sort of got the answers.
All in all, it was an amazing experience, and even with the not placing and the post show weight gain, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.