I know it’s not that you like seeing me fail- but I know you all appreciate the realities of this lifestyle that I present, and my honesty and all that. So it’s time for some real talk. I feel like anyone that’s been around for a while has been able to see that the past few weeks have been somewhat of a rough patch for me- and I wanted to tell you- and show you- a little more about that. And because I like to warn the boys that might be reading this, there IS going to be some feminine talk in here- I’m just saying. It’s life.
In fact, I hate to do this but that’s where we have to start. My show is on June 29th, and with the way things were going, show day was right on schedule to be right in the middle of ‘that time of the month.’ THAT, ladies and gentleman, is something we can’t have. I’m going to be in enough of a fragile mind-state as it is that day, there is absolutely no need to add PMS and bloating to the mix. Hungry, thirsty, bloated AND PMS? Not a safe environment for ANYone to be around. Thanks to science however, we can use a handy little drug called birth control to manipulate our cycles, move them around, and sometimes even stop them all together. I made an appointment with my Dr., and talked to her about my concerns- the major one being weight gain. Many methods of birth control have been reported to cause weight gain which is also something we can’t have. My Dr. told me that while the birth control that comes in shot method has been linked to weight gain, that by taking the pill she was going to prescribe me- I wouldn’t have any issues. She said, ‘Birth control doesn’t cause you to get fat, eating too much does.’ I thought ‘PERFECT. I know how to control my eating, that’s for sure- let’s do this’. So Tuesday April 30th, I started on the pill.
Everything was going fine, Saturday was May 4th, and I woke up feeling AND looking the best I had to date. I felt lean, I felt small, I felt energized and happy, I felt like I could see some ab definition coming through- it was a good body day.
I’d been PERFECTLY focused all throughout April- I was so proud of myself and how far I had come- I was loving what I was seeing in the mirrors and how I was feeling in my clothes. That Saturday the 4th I went up to Richmond with my Natural Bodyz team where we worked a booth for the team and got to watch our coach compete in and win the IFPA Heavyweight title. I also got to watch both pro and amateur bikini competitions that day- and that was a little bit of a mindf**k. I felt fantastic in my own body and in my skin, but to try and imagine myself in competition condition in what was at the time just 8 weeks- it seemed impossible. After talking to the rest of my teammates- it seemed like the show did the same thing to all of us mentally. We left excited about our show, but at the same time- terrified with a lingering sense of doubt in the air.
Have you ever seen that movie Runaway Bride, with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere? (Work with me here.) Julia’s character has a reputation for running out on her weddings. When she’s walking down the aisle for her 4th time, and she’s walking to Richard Gere, they’re both focused on keeping eye contact with each other. As she’s walking, she pauses for a second, they continue to stare into each other’s eyes, she smiles and keeps walking… Then someone in the church snaps a picture whose flash causes Richard Gere’s character to blink- breaking eye contact with Julia. She stops, backs slowly, and eventually turns and runs down the aisle, leaving Richard Gere and her 4th attempt at getting married.
I’m not sure what happened Sunday; I think I woke up late- meaning I got to the gym late for my cardio… I got home ate a meal, and not long after had to go BACK to the gym for my work out. Because I was off schedule, I was going into my work out short a meal that I should have had by that time. I felt like I needed something, but was running out of time and I BLINKED. I grabbed a protein bar out of the cupboard and left. It was chocolate flavored, and can I just tell you- it was delicious. It wasn’t long into my workout though that my insides were wrecked, and I could feel the effects of eating something off of my diet plan for the first time in 5 weeks. Feeling like hell for the rest of my workout SHOULD have been enough to keep me from sabotaging myself any further, but it wasn’t.
This is also the day that I found out the 7 year old daughter of a friend of mine and my sister’s passed away unexpectedly on Saturday. Emotions rise. Monday May 6th I had a falling out with someone in my life who had once been extremely important to me. My feelings were hurt immensely, and I took what happened very personally. I was way more emotional about it than I should have been- even having to take breaks during my leg work out that evening to go stand out behind the gym and cry. (WHAT A GIRL.) That night I went home and gave into something I used to know all too well- emotional eating! And BOY was I emotional. No need to get into detail- ain’t nobody got time for that. Tuesday I had two more falling outs with two more people that had once been very important to me. Awful, nasty, downright mean things were said to me, and instead of fighting back like I’d always done before, I just cut them out. I had no energy for fighting, no energy for hurling insults back in the faces of those I’d been insulted by. Trust and believe: I’ve got a way with words, especially when I’m pissed and I can play dirty and be just as mean- if not meaner- than the rest of them. But I’d decided in this case it wasn’t worth it, and I just left it.
Cue the chocolate chips.
Don’t get me wrong- it wasn’t like I binged for two weeks straight- it was just little cheats here and there, and they were bad cheats. I was on carb and sugar overload- ALL I wanted was crackers and chocolate. My sister and I went to the wake for the little girl Thursday evening; emotionally draining. My parents went out of town that weekend… Before they left my mom and I went through the cupboards and took out all the bad crap I could tempt myself, and while I thought she merely HID the box in the house… Turns out she took it to a neighbor’s house so even if I went looking for it I wouldn’t find it!! That’s love right there.
I was perfection all weekend with them gone, I’m sure due greatly in part to the fact that I spent the entire weekend with a bodybuilder who’s got focus like steel- much like mine had used to be- and who wouldn’t have let me cheat had I tried. Which I didn’t, for the record. So this brings us to this past week. And the muffin massacre. FACEPALM. Long story short there was a catered meeting at my office, and when it was over the food was open for the taking. Two days, and while I won’t tell you how many muffins, it was carb overload. I sat down with my parents and talked to them about it- they had been able to see how miserable I’d been. The first thing that was decided was I was going to stop taking the birth control. The birth control itSELF may not cause weight gain, but I am certain that it messed with my hormones in a negative way, causing my emotions to spike and my willpower to plummet. Those two things combined are bad news.
Let’s start to wrap this up shall we.
May was hard. May 4th I felt amazing, I weighed in at an all-time low of 151lbs and I just felt great. I took a picture of myself on May 15th which I’ll show you- but it was awful. It was the day after the muffins, and I was house-like. I haven’t weighed myself once since I fell off track because I thought it might just slip me further down, so I’ve been avoiding the scale. I knew that if I could just get back to where I FELT good again, that I could get my mind back where it needed to be- which I’ve done. It’s easy to feel like crap and say ‘I’m going to be better,’ but it’s hard to actually DO better. You get in this little pit where you feel like, ‘I feel like shit right now- what’s another bag of M&M’s going to do? I can’t possibly feel any WORSE!!’ But that’s when you have to dig deeper and find that inner FIRE. I woke up yesterday finally feeling normal, and took a picture today that I think is comparable with the May 4th shot.
I FINALLY feel like I’m back to normal, and am back in the mindset of ‘Oh, just under 6 weeks? I can totally shred this up in under 6 weeks. Let’s do it.’
Could I totally throw down some cupcakes or some Oreos right now? You bet your ass I could. But I am so damn close to the finish line; it’s time to finish strong. I’ll have some of my favorite foods when the show is over, and then I’ll settle back into a routine of just eating the healthy foods that make me feel good. This journey never fails to surprise me and teach me about myself.
Fun fact- the day I took the first birth control pill to the day I ‘blinked’ and had the protein bar, was 6 days. Today? 6 days from the last day I took one of the pills. Again, I’m not saying that the birth control made me gain weight, I’m saying it made me more susceptible to my cravings, and weakened my will power. NO, I’m not telling you your birth control is what’s making you fat or keeping you from losing weight- PLENTY OF WOMEN who take birth control lose weight. I just can’t handle the side effects right now- I CAN’T DEAL WITH ALL THESE FEELS! That’s all I’m sayin hahaha.
That being said, check out the craziness.
May 4th, 151lbs.
May 15th. Only ELEVEN days later.
Nice, huh? Oh yeah. That’s after all the crap food and a skipped work out. Oh yeah, totally skipped a work out. BECAUSE I FELT LIKE A HOUSE.
May 21st. (10 days later.) After getting my head out of my ass.
Oh thank ya little baby jesus. This is after 6 days of no birth control, no skipping workouts, being back on my diet and drinking more water than I ever thought physically possible.
This little 2 week adventure was probably harder for me than even the 4 month plateau I was in from January to April- it’s probably the hardest slump I’ve been in since I started this process. I think it’s because it’s the first time I felt like I actually went BACKWARDS, which is terrifying when you have a deadline.
Just remember that everyone has these slumps, it’s what you do with them and what you learn from them that sets you apart from the rest. It’s not even how quickly you come out of it- it’s that you come out of it at all, and you come out of it fighting. Remember what you want, and remember that it’s way too important to lose over some stupid food.